


Someday

by purpleraindr0ps



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, I'm Sorry, M/M, More angst, Why do I do this, btoken layhan, hear the breaking of my hearteu, so many angst, sobs, truly i am
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-29
Updated: 2016-12-29
Packaged: 2018-09-13 01:34:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9100594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purpleraindr0ps/pseuds/purpleraindr0ps
Summary: Accept, let go, move on.Easier said than done.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Even though this is angst, and I feel bad for making the boys broken, I really like how it turned out.
> 
> I hope you like it too.

Every day, every single morning, he wakes up with a gaping hole in his chest, a jagged tear in his soul. Alone, painfully alone. A question in his mind and on his dry lips.

_Is today the day I finally get over you?_

The answer comes in the thick suffocating silence that surrounds him, the brittle and frigid cold that seeps in and bleeds through the pores of his skin – numbing his senses and encasing his broken heart in an icy tomb, brutally and mercilessly.

_Didn’t we promise each other that if we ever go our separate ways, we’ll leave and disappear from the other person’s life? Because it’ll be far too painful for either you or me?_

He lets his tired eyes fall shut, a quiet sigh escapes. Resigned.

_So why do I see you everything I do, every person I meet. Tell me why – why do you insist on haunting my dreams with your soft smiles and gentle touches?_

Cracking his eyes open when he feels moisture on his sullen cheeks, he stares up. Stares up at the midnight blue sky with the one solitary 4-point star right above where he lies.

Lu Han raises an arm, hand reaching for it. His fingers close around the still and silent air. His heart dies a little more.

_Why am I still so hung up on you when you’re gone._

He whispers brokenly, voice echoing slightly before a sudden gust of wind flows in through the open windows and brings it away. Away from him. Far far away.

Like him.

Lu Han gives up and succumbs to the sobs that wreck his body. He feels cold, so cold.

From the ice flowing in his veins, the ice embedded in his bones. From the icy shards staking his wounded heart.

 

+++

 

Most days he lies alone in a bed he has had for over a decade, a bed that is just a little too big now. Now that he’s all but only one. One, when there used to be two.

One too little, one too few than what he’s used to. One less that what’s supposed to be.

Lu Han shakes his head wearily. When will I stop holding on and clinging to the memories and shadows of the past, the ghosts of yesterdays?

He slowly gets up and drags himself to the bathroom. To get ready for yet another bleak and colourless day, when all he wants is to curl up on his bed, his cold too-big bed.

Fingers gripping and curling over the edge of the cool marble sink, Lu Han leans in and murmurs to his bedraggled reflection in the mirror.

_When will I start to live again – to learn to breathe without you by my side?_

_Will I be able to do it? Will I be able to let go?_

He isn’t sure what he wants for an answer.

 

+++

 

And then on certain days, days when the loneliness gets too much for him to bear, when he gets so tired of being alone and empty, Lu Han allows the feeling of cold helplessness – the overwhelming hopelessness – to push him past the doors and into the head-pounding music and obnoxiously bright lights of ‘The Shining Star’, the club two streets from his apartment.

Heading straight for the bar, Lu Han sits on one of the high stools and waves a bartender over. He has one goal and only one goal in his mind. To get shitfaced drunk.

Tipping back his head and downing glass after glass of hard liquor, Lu Han lets the alcohol burn a fiery trail down his throat.

_If there’s some kind of God up there, he thinks blearily – mind heavy with the alcohol-induced haze, make me forget. Even if it’s only for one night or a few measly hours, make me forget._

His desperate plea gets ignored and goes unanswered. Every single time.

Rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat.

 

+++

 

The morning afters are the worst.

Not only does he wake up with a splitting headache in addition to the ever-present gaping hole in his heart, more often than not, he finds a naked stranger next to him.

It is then when Lu Han gets filled with a sense of dread and panic. He’s utterly disgusted and repulsed with himself. He brought this complete stranger into their home, their room, and lets them sleep in their bed.

 _He’s_ the worst.

He throws up a little in his parched mouth.

A faint image will then float into his leaden mind. An image of soft brown orbs looking right at him in disbelief and hurt, sadness and betrayal.

It’s fleeting and lasts only for a few seconds, vanishing into a thin wisp of nothingness as soon as it appears. It feels uncannily like a punch to the gut, a slap in the face, a knife to his constricting chest.

And suddenly, it's so hard to breathe.

Lu Han gets the overwhelming urge to scream and cry.

 

_I’m so sorry, Yixing._

 

+++

 

Every single day, Lu Han wishes and hopes with all his bruised and battered heart. He prays fervently that some day in the future, he’ll be able to finally let go and be at peace with where he is.

Someday, he’ll be able to hear music and not feel pain. He’ll be able to see his children dance and not feel like dying on the inside.

 

He will see Yixing’s impish grin on Shixun’s pale stoic face, and hear Yixing’s melodious laughter in Zitao’s high-pitched breathless giggles. He will see Yixing in Yihan’s lovely features, and the corners of his lips will curl up naturally. He will smile genuinely at the three of them, happiness and a father’s pride burning in his chest.

 

Lu Han will see his husband in their children without wanting to break down and cry.

 

One of these days, he’ll smile fondly whenever he thinks of Yixing, of all the times they spent together, the memories shared, and the love they had.

 

He’ll remember the way how their legs will always tangle under the blankets; he’ll remember how they made sweet love. He’ll remember all the little stolen kisses in public, and all the passionate fiery ones behind closed doors. He’ll remember all of that and smile.

 

_宝贝, don’t cry because it’s over. Smile, because it happened. And if it gets too hard to smile for yourself; do it anyway. Do it for me. Smile for me, Lu Han. Smile, because I love you._

 

Someday he’ll be alright again.

One day in the future, but not today.

 

Today he’ll just curl up alone and cold under the blankets, the image of Yixing looking frail and vulnerable on the hospital bed burned into the back of his eyelids, killing him softly whenever he closes his eyes.

 

+++

**Author's Note:**

> * 宝贝= babe / baby.
> 
> Tissue, anyone?
> 
> also! I've recently reopened my [twitter](https://twitter.com/purpleraindr0p), so if you wanna talk or w/e, feel free to hit me up :3
> 
> fic ideas are welcomed too! ^^


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